Monday, 30 December 2013

Monkeybrain Junkybrain

I've discovered something absolutely perfect and altogether one of the best things to ever exist on the internet. I know I say this a lot, but believe me. It's actual perfection. Now, I know it's another British Television show and doesn't translate well to American/Canadian ways in some instances. But that doesn't mean it's less than what it is; actual genius. 

So some dude named Jimmy who has a freakishly adorable laugh does this thing where he hosts a big year end quiz. They've called it 'The Big Fat Quiz of (whatever year it is)' and get's comedians from England to come and partake. Now, I know that it's a little innapropirate, so don't watch it with your kids unless you want to explain Russel Brand to them. 

I've watched two, so far. The one from 2006 with Russel Brand and Noel Fielding being absolute fuck heads, and the 2013 one. Noel Fielding, although insanely odd, is kind of great. He's also on Nevermind the Buzzcocks, which is another one of those quiz shows, but I've only really seen the episode with David Tennant. Sorry. I have watched a few more episodes, but mostly that one.

On topic, he's fucking adorable. 

So if you're bored this holiday season, or sad because your family has been nothing but dysfunctional. Maybe you're all alone in your bedroom sleeping off the Christmas food you ate too much of. Or maybe you've watched Matt Smith's regeneration and have been in a state of denial and sadness for a few days. It's okay. This show, last night when I watched it, made me laugh my mf'ing ass off. I was up until midnight. 

I must thank Tumblr, though, for a second. They showed me a gif set of Russel Brand and Noel getting into all sorts of mischief (Why did two rowers row the Atlantic naked? The real answer was chaffing, but they thought it was because they were in love.) and didn't tell me where it was from. But the good lord looked down upon my pathetic life and put that post explaining what it was to me. Honestly, it is one of the best decisions. Right up there with reading Naked Lunch and taking Art Class. 


A thought- Who invented the selfie? 


Once again, I watched an absoluty gorgeous film. I really need to broaden my writing horizons, but it's winter break. I haven't left the house since the 27th or something like that, and I've done nothing but read and watch movies. On the bright side, The Wind That Shakes the Barley and The Invisible War were pretty good. 

So Frozen. Since it was so great, I'm going to keep this rather spoiler free, meaning nothing is rather spoilery until you see the movie and then you're like "Damn that crazy bitch gave me a spoiler". To which, I'd like to reply with a middle finger and pelt you with discarded drafts of the same fucking fanfic I've been trying to write. There's an idea for a blog post. 

But we open with a dark as fuck opening, where Elsa harms her sister Anna, due to Elsa not being able to control her powers. Anna's memory is then wiped of her sister's powers, and life continues. Not was well though, as Anna is shut out of Elsa's life, and has to cope with being alone in the castle, and has to deal with the death of their parents. Until Elsa's coronation, because she's hit the age when all Disney Princesses fly up to the Queen status. There's a song, and with that song I have a funny story.

As Anna was running around, being all excited that the palace doors were opening so that everyone could come visit and she could meet people, I was fucking bawling. I don't really know why. Because I was able to see a princess movie musical, and I couldn't remember how long it had been since I last got to. Plus the movie is fecking gorgeous. Like, the animation is so pretty. 

At this coronation ball, Elsa is freaking out because what if her powers show, what if she fucks it all up. But Anna is all running around and getting engaged to strangers she doesn't know. That stranger is called Hans, and he is such an [spoilers redacted]. But of course, Elsa's powers freeze a bunch of stuff and she runs away to the mountains, where Idina Menzel sings Defying Gravity and creates a new castle, just for her to live in. Of course, her sister chases after her in an attempt to locate her sister, but gets disoriented due to the amount of snow that has fallen. 

Enter totally-not-the-love-interest, Kristoff. He's a fucking cutie pie. Seriously. Quit making animated dudes absolutely adorable on the inside and the outside. Because it's not fair. I like to imagine him and Anna like Han Solo and Leia. Nerfherder and Princess. Together forever <3

Does Harrison Ford have any attractive, single children? 

But he's signifigant, as he helps her find her sister's castle. I can't elaborate, because I've already said too much. But I will say, at the end Anna's life is in danger and she needs an act of true love to save her. 

Going into this movie, I though Olaf would be super duper fucking irritating. He was a little, but for the most part I just ignored him. I liked how he tied into the movie though. Sven, the reindeer, I was afraid they would go stereotype Disney and make him talk. They didn't, and the path they took with his character was actual perfection. 

So, a fun anecdote. I was going to go read some Anna/Kristoff fanfiction (also known as studying to write my own. I need to know headcannons.) and went and picked some out. Out of the eight I had chosen, one of them was Anna/Elsa/Kristoff, two of them were Kristoff/Elsa, and two more of them were Anna/Elsa. This isn't Game of Thrones, we don't need incest. I read the first Game of Thrones, and when Jaime's sister was talking about how she felt complete when she did the dance with no pants with Jaime, I just about cried. The moral of this story is has really gone downhill, because people don't categorize things as well as they should. 

Also, this movie parallels with the musical Wicked insanely well. We've got a guy in white pants (Hans/Fiyero), a wicked witch (Elsa/Elphaba), a caring friend (Kristoff/Boq), and a sisterlike image who wants to help (Anna/Galinda). Plus, Elsa wants to protect her sister from her powers, and is tired of hiding them from herself. Plus Idina Menzel. Her voice is so beautiful. 

All in all, an actually perfect movie. I was so happy when I saw it, and I found it a touching story. Mostly because I have two younger sisters that, even when I hate their guts, I'm rather fond of. Blech. That was almost way too sweet.


A thought- Did you know people still ship Luke/Leia? I thought it was already established that it was Han/Leia. 

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

American Hustle

The title is to be read in a heavy New York (or New Jersey) accent. That's the only way to properly do it. 

So it's the Oscar movie season. One of the worst times for me, mostly because the theater we have in town only gets one movie a week. Right now they have Desolation of Smaug for three weeks, which means I have to travel out or pirate the movies I want to see. I don't like pirating things, so usually I try to go see movies legally. There was a phase where I was okay with watching a movie on the Internet, but now I'm against it. 

Since this is short and I'm not movitivated to go google 'american hustle' here's some photos of Jeremy Renner; actual perfection. Of course, he's in the Avengers because getting American Hustle stuff would make mfing sense. 

We open the film with a nice, high definition shot of Christian Bale's beer belly/hairy 70's chest, followed by a nice 2 minute clip of him fixing his rather elaborate comb over. If that doesn't sound super attractive, it gets better. We also get a scene with Bradly Cooper having his hair in super great curlers. They're fucking pink and it's fucking hilarious. 

While on the topic of hair and prosthetics, oh God did this movie succeed. We had the most gorgeous updo's, and most of the men's cuts were very sleek and stylish. I could hardly tell the main character was Christian Bale. Hardly, because he still has that nose wart thing. If you've ever seen the Nolan Batman trilogy, you know what I'm talking about. It's super distracting and perfect. 

So the plan of the movie is the FBI (Bradly Cooper's role) gets these two con men (Amy Adams and Christian Bale) and their main goal is to nab some of the biggest white collar criminals; mobsters, senators, the lot. They create the necessary connections and everything to make their story the most believable. The only reason all these wealthy white collars are hanging around New Jersey is because they want to help rebuild Atlantic city. 

I really liked this movie. Go see it. I even kept this spoiler free, and perfect. Everything is good about this movie; the acting, the cinematography, the scripts, the directing, everything. And if you don't like it, go put a Christmas tree in your ass because I DON'T CARE/I LOVE IT


A thought- Merry Christmas guys. 

Friday, 20 December 2013


"The first Hobbit movie was SOOOO boring. I'm not going to see this one."
"I don't have time for a three hour movie!" 
"My wife just went into labor and she will be super pissed if I ditch that and go see the Hobbit." 
"I have two tests in he morning, first thing. A midnight of the new Hobbit movie is NOT a good idea." 
-Things no one should say in regards to the new Hobbit movie

Seriously. This movie is 80% better than the first one. It's quicker paced, there is more action and adventure, and less Radagast the brown getting shat on by a bird. Although it's not as short as the 70 minute Russian film of the same name. Though that movie, I can tell you, is mostly a musical. I need to actually watch it instead of just watching a review of it. 

You know what else makes Desolation of Smaug good? The addition of this guy;
That's right. Captain Cheekbones. For real, he was fabulous as Smaug. His motion capture AND voice was just gorgeous. Though I found the actual CG/animation/whatevertheflipitreallyis sometimes really just sloppy. It could have been so much better. Also, someone get that dragon some Pepcid because damn that is some major heartburn. Also, I went to the 10 o'clock showing with some family and friends, and I was the only one who was snuggled into her blanket,crying tears of OHMIGOD THAT IS BEAUTIFUL when Smaug came on. For the record, I was the only one with a blanket. And mittens. What can I say, I'm prepared.

I had a hard time watching this movie though, and probably won't be able to give a very accurate recollection if the story; but if you're reading this you probably know the story. I can't tell the dwarves apart, and that's probably the biggest flaw this time around. I can, though, tell you all about Legolas. Well, that's he's kind of great. So is Tauriel. 

Now, I know Ginge (Tauriel) isn't in the original book. I read the book, for flip's sake. But I think she is awesome. Captain of the Elvish guard, and female. There was a 'love triangle' kind of created between her, Kili (?- the attractive one, at least), and Legobooty. Legobooty had feelings for Ginge, who at one point also had them. But then Legobooty's dad, bitchy looking dude, said to squish those emotions. Become the ultimate killing machine; EXTERMINATE! Then those dwarves get themselves in Elvish prison, and Ginge is the one who watches over them. She makes friends with Kili, and nearest I the end of the movie, she saves his life. 

But Legobooty and Ginge are in love. I'm sorry, it's truth. You know what else is the truth? Evangeline Lilly, the lady who plays Ginge, signed on for all three Hobbit movies. She's been quoted as saying that she doesn't think it's right for a little girl to go see a three hour movie and not see one woman she can see as a role model. I think this lady is the coolest, okay? But she signed on with the condition that there wouldn't be a love triangle with her character, that she would strictly be Captain of the Awesome team. The first movie went well, in that regards. But then she comes to Desolation of Smaug and suddenly the writers told her "oops, love triangle". Yeah, those bitches. 

Another thing I personally didn't like were the spiders. In the book, I never realized they were actually giant spiders and that's how I got through the book so well. But then this movie...jfc, I lost it. They kept doing jump scares, and when you're the only person kind of freaking out during these scenes and everyone else is calm, it's embarrassing. Then my mom and brother were tickling me. But it' say good chunk of the movie, with some important development. You can't skip it, but you'll want to skip it. 

Also, come to this movie prepared for a three hour experience. I fell asleep in the last ten minutes, and kind of missed a bit. But I have plans to go see it again, so that's okay. The dwarves are great and spunky, and all around it was a pretty enjoyable movie. 7/10. 


A thought- Why does American Horror Story Asylum make me feel like I need to be in an asylum? I'm not crazy, I can't be crazy. 

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Thor: The Dark World

Unlike Star Trek Into Darkness, this title actually makes sense! 

This movie was everything I wanted in a superhero movie. I wanted to see this more than Catching Fire (7/10, it wasn't THAT good but it wasn't THAT bad) and I anticipate that I will enjoy it more than the Hobbit. Though the Hobbit has Cumberbatch. I will enjoy it. Just not as much as mf'ing Thor! 


The film opens with Loki. Anything that opens with attractive British men holds a promise that it may (or not) be totally awesome. This was. He gets sent to the dungeon to pay for his crimes of either being more attractive than Odin, or because of New York. Probably New York. Thor is busy restoring peace to the nine realms, and making snarky comments. 

Then we get to go to earth, where Jane goes on a date with a guy from IT and she ignores him. As a fan of IT Crowd, I expected the dude to have a substance on his forehead, as the actor is totally from IT Crowd. I watch A LOT of Netflix, okay. Then Darcy comes and she eats bread and is fabulous. They go play with gravity holes and drop shoes all over the place. 

While this happens, Dr. Erik Selvig is going on a crazy naked rampage around Stonehenge. This is mostly because the planets are nearly all aligned and therefore bad things happen. He also had a God in his head. I totally get why he's gone crazy. 

Also, I seem to have forgotten the bad guy; the ninth Doctor. He's actually an albino elf who is hell bent on restoring the darkness with the aether. "Take over the universe, blah blah blah, I'm a good leader, blah blah blah, this must be done to restore something, blah blah blah, it's in my nature, blah blah blah."
I think I've heard that somewhere before. 

Jane accidentally fucks shit up though, when she touches this aether that someone left under a rock in the middle of the letter H. (if you've seen the movie, and you remember the opening sequence, that's a funny joke.) Idris Elba can't see her though, so Thor goes to earth. That is symbolic of the fact that he really loves and cares for her, even if he can't actually intervene. He's a very busy man, don't you know. 

Thor takes Jane to earth, where she finds out she's going to probably die. Then the ninth Doctor attacks Asgard and everyone is fighting the attack, including Thor's mother. She dies and Thor loses his shit. So does Loki, when he finds out. Because the last thing. Loki said to his mother was something about her not being his mother. Then things get desperate. Jane is taken prisoner by Odin, as bait for the Doctor. 

Of course, this fair maiden needs to be rescued. Thor recruits his best friends to help break her out, so they can go fight the Doctor. Eventually, he relies on the assistance from Loki, who turns into Captain America for 1/4th of a scene. I KNOW IT WAS TOTALLY AWESOME I WAS CRYING TEARS OF LAUGHTED AND JOY BOTH TIMES I SAW THE DAMN FILM. 

Thor, Loki, and Jane all go to the barren wasteland that is Gallifrey(?) where the Doctor lives. They creat a plan that hurt, in which Loki cuts off Thor's hand, but Thor actually is a hologram. Then the Doctor gets the aether and Loki dies. I'm not giving the scene enough credit, but it really is great. 

Skip ahead a handful of minutes, and they are in London again, and an epic fight happens. Of course, the good guys win. Of course, there's a lot of kissing. Thor abandons Jane again, but does come back. Everyone is happy. Except Loki. 

Why not Loki? Because he's dead? NOPE. FUCK YOU MOVIE. LOKI ISNT DEAD. He's alive, and captured Asgard. And honestly that made me so mad I nearly threw up and screamed. 

So go see this movie. It's hilarious, full of action, and isn't something that makes you angry. 10/10, I'd watch it a million times. 


Actual perfection. 


A thought- why can modern science do all this great shit like make new diseases, but canst develop a type of fabric that bra wires can't poke through?