Friday, 20 December 2013


"The first Hobbit movie was SOOOO boring. I'm not going to see this one."
"I don't have time for a three hour movie!" 
"My wife just went into labor and she will be super pissed if I ditch that and go see the Hobbit." 
"I have two tests in he morning, first thing. A midnight of the new Hobbit movie is NOT a good idea." 
-Things no one should say in regards to the new Hobbit movie

Seriously. This movie is 80% better than the first one. It's quicker paced, there is more action and adventure, and less Radagast the brown getting shat on by a bird. Although it's not as short as the 70 minute Russian film of the same name. Though that movie, I can tell you, is mostly a musical. I need to actually watch it instead of just watching a review of it. 

You know what else makes Desolation of Smaug good? The addition of this guy;
That's right. Captain Cheekbones. For real, he was fabulous as Smaug. His motion capture AND voice was just gorgeous. Though I found the actual CG/animation/whatevertheflipitreallyis sometimes really just sloppy. It could have been so much better. Also, someone get that dragon some Pepcid because damn that is some major heartburn. Also, I went to the 10 o'clock showing with some family and friends, and I was the only one who was snuggled into her blanket,crying tears of OHMIGOD THAT IS BEAUTIFUL when Smaug came on. For the record, I was the only one with a blanket. And mittens. What can I say, I'm prepared.

I had a hard time watching this movie though, and probably won't be able to give a very accurate recollection if the story; but if you're reading this you probably know the story. I can't tell the dwarves apart, and that's probably the biggest flaw this time around. I can, though, tell you all about Legolas. Well, that's he's kind of great. So is Tauriel. 

Now, I know Ginge (Tauriel) isn't in the original book. I read the book, for flip's sake. But I think she is awesome. Captain of the Elvish guard, and female. There was a 'love triangle' kind of created between her, Kili (?- the attractive one, at least), and Legobooty. Legobooty had feelings for Ginge, who at one point also had them. But then Legobooty's dad, bitchy looking dude, said to squish those emotions. Become the ultimate killing machine; EXTERMINATE! Then those dwarves get themselves in Elvish prison, and Ginge is the one who watches over them. She makes friends with Kili, and nearest I the end of the movie, she saves his life. 

But Legobooty and Ginge are in love. I'm sorry, it's truth. You know what else is the truth? Evangeline Lilly, the lady who plays Ginge, signed on for all three Hobbit movies. She's been quoted as saying that she doesn't think it's right for a little girl to go see a three hour movie and not see one woman she can see as a role model. I think this lady is the coolest, okay? But she signed on with the condition that there wouldn't be a love triangle with her character, that she would strictly be Captain of the Awesome team. The first movie went well, in that regards. But then she comes to Desolation of Smaug and suddenly the writers told her "oops, love triangle". Yeah, those bitches. 

Another thing I personally didn't like were the spiders. In the book, I never realized they were actually giant spiders and that's how I got through the book so well. But then this movie...jfc, I lost it. They kept doing jump scares, and when you're the only person kind of freaking out during these scenes and everyone else is calm, it's embarrassing. Then my mom and brother were tickling me. But it' say good chunk of the movie, with some important development. You can't skip it, but you'll want to skip it. 

Also, come to this movie prepared for a three hour experience. I fell asleep in the last ten minutes, and kind of missed a bit. But I have plans to go see it again, so that's okay. The dwarves are great and spunky, and all around it was a pretty enjoyable movie. 7/10. 


A thought- Why does American Horror Story Asylum make me feel like I need to be in an asylum? I'm not crazy, I can't be crazy. 

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