Frozen

Once again, I watched an absoluty gorgeous film. I really need to broaden my writing horizons, but it's winter break. I haven't left the house since the 27th or something like that, and I've done nothing but read and watch movies. On the bright side, The Wind That Shakes the Barley and The Invisible War were pretty good. 

So Frozen. Since it was so great, I'm going to keep this rather spoiler free, meaning nothing is rather spoilery until you see the movie and then you're like "Damn that crazy bitch gave me a spoiler". To which, I'd like to reply with a middle finger and pelt you with discarded drafts of the same fucking fanfic I've been trying to write. There's an idea for a blog post. 

But we open with a dark as fuck opening, where Elsa harms her sister Anna, due to Elsa not being able to control her powers. Anna's memory is then wiped of her sister's powers, and life continues. Not was well though, as Anna is shut out of Elsa's life, and has to cope with being alone in the castle, and has to deal with the death of their parents. Until Elsa's coronation, because she's hit the age when all Disney Princesses fly up to the Queen status. There's a song, and with that song I have a funny story.

As Anna was running around, being all excited that the palace doors were opening so that everyone could come visit and she could meet people, I was fucking bawling. I don't really know why. Because I was able to see a princess movie musical, and I couldn't remember how long it had been since I last got to. Plus the movie is fecking gorgeous. Like, the animation is so pretty. 

At this coronation ball, Elsa is freaking out because what if her powers show, what if she fucks it all up. But Anna is all running around and getting engaged to strangers she doesn't know. That stranger is called Hans, and he is such an [spoilers redacted]. But of course, Elsa's powers freeze a bunch of stuff and she runs away to the mountains, where Idina Menzel sings Defying Gravity and creates a new castle, just for her to live in. Of course, her sister chases after her in an attempt to locate her sister, but gets disoriented due to the amount of snow that has fallen. 

Enter totally-not-the-love-interest, Kristoff. He's a fucking cutie pie. Seriously. Quit making animated dudes absolutely adorable on the inside and the outside. Because it's not fair. I like to imagine him and Anna like Han Solo and Leia. Nerfherder and Princess. Together forever <3

Does Harrison Ford have any attractive, single children? 

But he's signifigant, as he helps her find her sister's castle. I can't elaborate, because I've already said too much. But I will say, at the end Anna's life is in danger and she needs an act of true love to save her. 

Going into this movie, I though Olaf would be super duper fucking irritating. He was a little, but for the most part I just ignored him. I liked how he tied into the movie though. Sven, the reindeer, I was afraid they would go stereotype Disney and make him talk. They didn't, and the path they took with his character was actual perfection. 

So, a fun anecdote. I was going to go read some Anna/Kristoff fanfiction (also known as studying to write my own. I need to know headcannons.) and went and picked some out. Out of the eight I had chosen, one of them was Anna/Elsa/Kristoff, two of them were Kristoff/Elsa, and two more of them were Anna/Elsa. This isn't Game of Thrones, we don't need incest. I read the first Game of Thrones, and when Jaime's sister was talking about how she felt complete when she did the dance with no pants with Jaime, I just about cried. The moral of this story is fanfiction.net has really gone downhill, because people don't categorize things as well as they should. 

Also, this movie parallels with the musical Wicked insanely well. We've got a guy in white pants (Hans/Fiyero), a wicked witch (Elsa/Elphaba), a caring friend (Kristoff/Boq), and a sisterlike image who wants to help (Anna/Galinda). Plus, Elsa wants to protect her sister from her powers, and is tired of hiding them from herself. Plus Idina Menzel. Her voice is so beautiful. 

All in all, an actually perfect movie. I was so happy when I saw it, and I found it a touching story. Mostly because I have two younger sisters that, even when I hate their guts, I'm rather fond of. Blech. That was almost way too sweet.

Batman

A thought- Did you know people still ship Luke/Leia? I thought it was already established that it was Han/Leia. 

American Hustle

The title is to be read in a heavy New York (or New Jersey) accent. That's the only way to properly do it. 

So it's the Oscar movie season. One of the worst times for me, mostly because the theater we have in town only gets one movie a week. Right now they have Desolation of Smaug for three weeks, which means I have to travel out or pirate the movies I want to see. I don't like pirating things, so usually I try to go see movies legally. There was a phase where I was okay with watching a movie on the Internet, but now I'm against it. 

Since this is short and I'm not movitivated to go google 'american hustle' here's some photos of Jeremy Renner; actual perfection. Of course, he's in the Avengers because getting American Hustle stuff would make mfing sense. 

We open the film with a nice, high definition shot of Christian Bale's beer belly/hairy 70's chest, followed by a nice 2 minute clip of him fixing his rather elaborate comb over. If that doesn't sound super attractive, it gets better. We also get a scene with Bradly Cooper having his hair in super great curlers. They're fucking pink and it's fucking hilarious. 

While on the topic of hair and prosthetics, oh God did this movie succeed. We had the most gorgeous updo's, and most of the men's cuts were very sleek and stylish. I could hardly tell the main character was Christian Bale. Hardly, because he still has that nose wart thing. If you've ever seen the Nolan Batman trilogy, you know what I'm talking about. It's super distracting and perfect. 

So the plan of the movie is the FBI (Bradly Cooper's role) gets these two con men (Amy Adams and Christian Bale) and their main goal is to nab some of the biggest white collar criminals; mobsters, senators, the lot. They create the necessary connections and everything to make their story the most believable. The only reason all these wealthy white collars are hanging around New Jersey is because they want to help rebuild Atlantic city. 

I really liked this movie. Go see it. I even kept this spoiler free, and perfect. Everything is good about this movie; the acting, the cinematography, the scripts, the directing, everything. And if you don't like it, go put a Christmas tree in your ass because I DON'T CARE/I LOVE IT

Batman 

A thought- Merry Christmas guys. 

THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG

"The first Hobbit movie was SOOOO boring. I'm not going to see this one."

"I don't have time for a three hour movie!" 

"My wife just went into labor and she will be super pissed if I ditch that and go see the Hobbit." 

"I have two tests in he morning, first thing. A midnight of the new Hobbit movie is NOT a good idea." 

-Things no one should say in regards to the new Hobbit movie

Seriously. This movie is 80% better than the first one. It's quicker paced, there is more action and adventure, and less Radagast the brown getting shat on by a bird. Although it's not as short as the 70 minute Russian film of the same name. Though that movie, I can tell you, is mostly a musical. I need to actually watch it instead of just watching a review of it. 

You know what else makes Desolation of Smaug good? The addition of this guy;

That's right. Captain Cheekbones. For real, he was fabulous as Smaug. His motion capture AND voice was just gorgeous. Though I found the actual CG/animation/whatevertheflipitreallyis sometimes really just sloppy. It could have been so much better. Also, someone get that dragon some Pepcid because damn that is some major heartburn. Also, I went to the 10 o'clock showing with some family and friends, and I was the only one who was snuggled into her blanket,crying tears of OHMIGOD THAT IS BEAUTIFUL when Smaug came on. For the record, I was the only one with a blanket. And mittens. What can I say, I'm prepared.

I had a hard time watching this movie though, and probably won't be able to give a very accurate recollection if the story; but if you're reading this you probably know the story. I can't tell the dwarves apart, and that's probably the biggest flaw this time around. I can, though, tell you all about Legolas. Well, that's he's kind of great. So is Tauriel. 

Now, I know Ginge (Tauriel) isn't in the original book. I read the book, for flip's sake. But I think she is awesome. Captain of the Elvish guard, and female. There was a 'love triangle' kind of created between her, Kili (?- the attractive one, at least), and Legobooty. Legobooty had feelings for Ginge, who at one point also had them. But then Legobooty's dad, bitchy looking dude, said to squish those emotions. Become the ultimate killing machine; EXTERMINATE! Then those dwarves get themselves in Elvish prison, and Ginge is the one who watches over them. She makes friends with Kili, and nearest I the end of the movie, she saves his life. 

But Legobooty and Ginge are in love. I'm sorry, it's truth. You know what else is the truth? Evangeline Lilly, the lady who plays Ginge, signed on for all three Hobbit movies. She's been quoted as saying that she doesn't think it's right for a little girl to go see a three hour movie and not see one woman she can see as a role model. I think this lady is the coolest, okay? But she signed on with the condition that there wouldn't be a love triangle with her character, that she would strictly be Captain of the Awesome team. The first movie went well, in that regards. But then she comes to Desolation of Smaug and suddenly the writers told her "oops, love triangle". Yeah, those bitches. 

Another thing I personally didn't like were the spiders. In the book, I never realized they were actually giant spiders and that's how I got through the book so well. But then this movie...jfc, I lost it. They kept doing jump scares, and when you're the only person kind of freaking out during these scenes and everyone else is calm, it's embarrassing. Then my mom and brother were tickling me. But it' say good chunk of the movie, with some important development. You can't skip it, but you'll want to skip it. 

Also, come to this movie prepared for a three hour experience. I fell asleep in the last ten minutes, and kind of missed a bit. But I have plans to go see it again, so that's okay. The dwarves are great and spunky, and all around it was a pretty enjoyable movie. 7/10. 

Batman 

A thought- Why does American Horror Story Asylum make me feel like I need to be in an asylum? I'm not crazy, I can't be crazy. 

Thor: The Dark World

Unlike Star Trek Into Darkness, this title actually makes sense! 

This movie was everything I wanted in a superhero movie. I wanted to see this more than Catching Fire (7/10, it wasn't THAT good but it wasn't THAT bad) and I anticipate that I will enjoy it more than the Hobbit. Though the Hobbit has Cumberbatch. I will enjoy it. Just not as much as mf'ing Thor! 

Spoilers

The film opens with Loki. Anything that opens with attractive British men holds a promise that it may (or not) be totally awesome. This was. He gets sent to the dungeon to pay for his crimes of either being more attractive than Odin, or because of New York. Probably New York. Thor is busy restoring peace to the nine realms, and making snarky comments. 

Then we get to go to earth, where Jane goes on a date with a guy from IT and she ignores him. As a fan of IT Crowd, I expected the dude to have a substance on his forehead, as the actor is totally from IT Crowd. I watch A LOT of Netflix, okay. Then Darcy comes and she eats bread and is fabulous. They go play with gravity holes and drop shoes all over the place. 

While this happens, Dr. Erik Selvig is going on a crazy naked rampage around Stonehenge. This is mostly because the planets are nearly all aligned and therefore bad things happen. He also had a God in his head. I totally get why he's gone crazy. 

Also, I seem to have forgotten the bad guy; the ninth Doctor. He's actually an albino elf who is hell bent on restoring the darkness with the aether. "Take over the universe, blah blah blah, I'm a good leader, blah blah blah, this must be done to restore something, blah blah blah, it's in my nature, blah blah blah."

I think I've heard that somewhere before. 

Jane accidentally fucks shit up though, when she touches this aether that someone left under a rock in the middle of the letter H. (if you've seen the movie, and you remember the opening sequence, that's a funny joke.) Idris Elba can't see her though, so Thor goes to earth. That is symbolic of the fact that he really loves and cares for her, even if he can't actually intervene. He's a very busy man, don't you know. 

Thor takes Jane to earth, where she finds out she's going to probably die. Then the ninth Doctor attacks Asgard and everyone is fighting the attack, including Thor's mother. She dies and Thor loses his shit. So does Loki, when he finds out. Because the last thing. Loki said to his mother was something about her not being his mother. Then things get desperate. Jane is taken prisoner by Odin, as bait for the Doctor. 

Of course, this fair maiden needs to be rescued. Thor recruits his best friends to help break her out, so they can go fight the Doctor. Eventually, he relies on the assistance from Loki, who turns into Captain America for 1/4th of a scene. I KNOW IT WAS TOTALLY AWESOME I WAS CRYING TEARS OF LAUGHTED AND JOY BOTH TIMES I SAW THE DAMN FILM. 

Thor, Loki, and Jane all go to the barren wasteland that is Gallifrey(?) where the Doctor lives. They creat a plan that hurt, in which Loki cuts off Thor's hand, but Thor actually is a hologram. Then the Doctor gets the aether and Loki dies. I'm not giving the scene enough credit, but it really is great. 

Skip ahead a handful of minutes, and they are in London again, and an epic fight happens. Of course, the good guys win. Of course, there's a lot of kissing. Thor abandons Jane again, but does come back. Everyone is happy. Except Loki. 

Why not Loki? Because he's dead? NOPE. FUCK YOU MOVIE. LOKI ISNT DEAD. He's alive, and captured Asgard. And honestly that made me so mad I nearly threw up and screamed. 

So go see this movie. It's hilarious, full of action, and isn't something that makes you angry. 10/10, I'd watch it a million times. 

Also, CAPTAIN AMERICA WAS IN THIS FILM. HE IS PERFECTION. 

Actual perfection. 

Batman. 

A thought- why can modern science do all this great shit like make new diseases, but canst develop a type of fabric that bra wires can't poke through?

Day of the Doctor

Today was the Day of the Doctor. It was an over-all good experience, for the most part, and an episode I would like to watch again. Sure I have issues with it, but that will be elaborated on in list form in a little bit. I just want to take this time to say that the BBC wants to kill off the wholock section of the superwholock trilogy. They released Day of the Doctor and a new 10 second trailer for the christmas episode of Doctor Who (when Matt Smith regernates, God bless his soul) and a new 30 second trailer for Sherlock. Obviously they just want everything to happen today. I mean, their website is crawling along at ridiculously slow speeds. 

But to now elaborate! I will make a numerical list of things that were wrong (or perfect) with Day of the Doctor, or things that at least bugged me. This entire party will be full of spoilers, for the record. Also, the tumblr screenshots were from my dashboard on Saturday. It took a long time, but I found the best one. 

[doweoooo intensifies]

1. Billie Piper doesn't play Rose Tyler. Instead she plays Bad Wolf, and there is no interaction between her and the tenth. It made me incredibly sad, especially for that part at the end. The War Doctor, John Hurt, says something adressed to Bad Wolf, and tenth hears it and his ears perked. Seriously, when he couldn't see Rose I got rather sad, because he was sad. David Tennant, professional cutie pie. 

2. The Time War is a thing but isn't a thing but is again. What might be the better way to say it is that this episode was confusing as fuck. If you didn't already kind of understand the type of writing Steven Moffat has perfected, also known as confusing as fuck, you get confused. It was way too hard to follow. 

3. Remember that plot with the zygons? Yeah, me neither. It was an interesting plot, and I liked that part the most. Except they leave it alone and we never get to see how everything develops. I wonder if that will tie into the Christmas special, but probably not. 

4. Ten was super-duper out of character. Like, there is fanfiction out of character that usually ends in smut with Rose and/or Jack, and then there's Fiftieth anniversary. Fiftieth was worse, in my opinion. He was all 'go with the flow' and married Elizabeth 1. Yeah. 

5. No daleks. That was good. I hate those guys. 

6. Steven Moffat, since the actual airing of the show, has been telling people that the counting is a certain way. I don't like it. I will continue being the normal one. He has also eliminated any grief from the show, which is making it kind of tedious to watch. We know that everyone lives and blah blah blah. It's leading to the poor quality of the show. Moffat is also a jerk. 

Overall, I liked the 'movie' but it wasn't that good. A lot of build up for a little explosion, versus a big one. I wanted a big one, full of intense moments and laughs. There weren't many intense moments. 8/10 stars. 

Also, PETER CAPALDI BITCHES! OH GOODNESS HE WILL BE A GREAT DOCTOR.

Batman 

A thought- Why do teachers let us use HCl? (an acid that burns flesh)

Christopher and His Kind

Normally I wouldn't write down anything about a movie I watched on Netflix, just on a whim because I knew the actor. But seeing as I have WAY too much free time and a startling lack of a social life, let's dig into this cryptic movie. I hope that through doing this I will understand the movie better, which is why teachers make you dissect the things you watch in class, normally. Just in case anyone really was wondering. 

The movie opens with Christopher (played by Matt Smith) moving to Berlin against his mother's wishes. She mostly has issues with it because his father died fighting the Western Front in WWI. But Christopher is an author who is going there to find cute boys and to meet up with his friend, the poet. Not 15 minutes into the movie, he's bedded at least four guys. In one instance the camera actually shows Matt Smith humping some dude. I watch Doctor Who, and this guy is the 11th. The 11th Doctor humped some dude. I can't take him seriously. 

I guess I better mention that one of his conquests is a fellow named Caspar, who was whoring himself out to buy whores. Yup. That and in those first 15 minutes, you see not one but two pensises. 

He then meets the English neighbor he has in the apartment complex he lives in. She is named Jean, and she is going to be an actress. I quite liked this character, as she was very full of life. She wanted to be a famous actress, wanted to drink champagne every day, and called herself a whore (though really all she did was sing in a nightclub. With clothing on.) She has a boyfried, too, who just happens to walk around naked in one scene where Christopher is there, third wheeling as hard as he possibly can. It's hilarious. 

Another character we meet is a street sweeper named Heinz. He happens to bat for the same team, and is attractive. But they live in pre-WWII Berlin, and Hitler is hanging around. This is interesting because of how Heinz's mother gets a generous donation from his boyfriend, yet the brother is still willing to turn on Christopher. They do not get a happy ending, though they do get closure. It's quite sweet, really.

There's a fellow named Gerald who is also a supporting character. He's into this super odd fetish stuff, is also a queer, and is the person who got Christopher that room he has. He does die, or at least is displaced. There's also a landlady, but since I can't remember anything about her I'll just pretend she wasn't all that important. (She really wasn't that vital)

There is a line repeated throughout the movie; "You've got to stick with your kind." This is a main motif for at least half the movie, and I kind of understand why. Christopher doesn't really know where he feels most at home, because at home his mother is really just no fun to be around. His poor brother was very dedicated to his mother though, and that was sweet. But the reason that Christopher came to Berlin, Mr. Poetry writing man, left him. Then Jean's boyfriend buggers off, leaving her pregnant. She gets rid of the baby. (Cue American Horror Story theme? Flip you that's funny) Not a few days later, she also leaves. 

Remaining at that point is Heinz and his family (Minus the father, who also died at the Western Front) and Christopher. Caspar dissapeared and when he is found again, he is a nazi. Heinz's mother dies, and his brother becomes a nazi, leaving him alone. He goes home with Chrisopher, but has to return, where he is arrested by the Gestapo. This leaves Christopher to figure out who his kind are. 

Are they the gays, his family, his friends, his books? It is brought up that people are happier when they are where they belong, and I don't think he knew where he belonged. He had that crisis when he didn't know who where his friends, and I found that touching. 

Upon furthur reading, this movie is supposedly more about the nazis and homophobia. I'm sorry I didn't get that. 7/10 stars. But I did get that Christopher was a big guy in some homosexual legislature or something along those lines. I found it touching and enjoyable, definitely a good way to spend a four day weekend. 

Fun fact, Smith shot this film during a break from Doctor Who. Moffat and some other dude told the guys directing this movie that he was not allowed to have full fledged ass in any scenes. Meanwhile, I have a .gif set of him running into the ocean naked on my tumblr. Look how far that got you, Moffat. 

I ship it. 

Batman

A thought- If one is attracted to older men, is it equal parts daddy issues and the fact that they are attractive, or what is the proper ratio? (David Tennant is flipping perfect. Seriously. Marry me.)

Carrie

To start this off, I will say that I have NOT seen the original film, and will be discussing the film as a movie, and not as a remake. For the most part. 

A long time ago, there was a little girl who would get bad dreams and sleep in her father's bed. It was a good way to balance things, and she needed the security of her daddy. But he had a problem with sleeping, either insomnia or depression or something, and stayed up late. Before the widespread popularity of the laptop, or before he discovered how great they were, he would watch movies on his tv at night. He watched movies that he liked, classic horror films and adult humor movies. And she would watch them with him. This little girl became reasonably numb to most horror films, or was convinced she could take on anything cinematic. Besides, she had seen Kill Bill, the most hardcore thing ever. 

That little girl has since grown up, and admitted to getting spooked during the remake of Carrie. That little girl is my 11 year old sister. Not me. I was nervous the entire time. 

There is a theory that I have that everyone is born with basic knowledge of Star Trek (Live Long and Prosper, bitches.) and the knowledge that at the end of Carrie, she gets doused with pig blood (Spoilers) and loses her shit. Because I knew that coming into the film, but didn't know it would be as tame as it was. I was expecting a blood bath at the end of the film, but really the pay off to the entire first act was kind of  flat. Though the mother daughter parts were interesting, and I thought the school scenes were okay. Let's talk about that for a second, shall we?

Carrie is a girl who is picked on for being weird. Though I'm pretty sure they're picking on her for just not dressing like them, because the actress was very pretty. Though that was a personal nitpick I had. I assume others thought she was fine. The amount of bullying this girl hypothetically would go through is not near as much as what actually happens in the movie. I am okay with this. I mean, I went to the cinema in the fall. What else was I going to expect? Thor? (Actually, yes. I wanted to see that this weekend because Tom Hiddleston is such a cutie and then comic books are great too and well go to hell, one movie a week cinema.) 

The character of Sue was really flat. She didn't have much to do in the story line, I felt, and the scene where her mother picks up the prom dress had barely any tie ins to the actual film itself. Maybe the red prom dress was symbolic of Carrie getting bathed in pigs blood. Maybe Carrie's mother practicing self harm was symbolic of the way she gets killed. Though really the way her mother gets knocked off is symbolic of Christ's crusifiction, and how she was dying for Carrie's sinful ways.

Oh boy does Julianne Moore look old in this movie. She is 52 right now and the movie makes her look more like 55-60. Or more. She looks old. Symbolic that her old ways do not reflect modern society, and how she was raised under circumstances when women were modest and blah blah blah. Modestly in modern society doesn't exist. If it does, it's found in the mens clothing department, and is not classified as decent human wear for women. 

One big problem I had with this movie was the music. I saw Prisoners a while back, and that had a really good soundtrack for that kind of movie. I watched the first two minutes of the original Carrie to listen to the soundtrack and oh goodness why couldn't they have kept that. Some white boy plucking an acoustic guitar while writing sad romantic poetry doesn't count as an orchestral score. It needed that. That actually is one of the reasons that I didn't think the ending was as good as it could be. But this movie did one thing for society. They captured the 20 seconds that Icona Pop had for their second single. Way to go, film! You're going to feel so old in 10 years (When no one remembers the song.) 

If this is the best movie I see this fall, I will be upset. But if it's the worst, I won't mind. I mean, I liked Ender's Game a little more than this. I give this a 6.5-7 out of 10. It wasn't good, but it wasn't bad. Maybe I'll read my first Stephen King novel. 

FUN FACT! (cue shitty upbeat music!) There is a girl who gets her pretty orange prom dress caught in some fire and in a panic she starts spinning around. The director of this film probably wrote a letter to the director of the Hunger Games. This is what was in that letter;

Dear Mr. Dude,

My movie had a better girl-in-fire-dress moment than yours. Sure, she died, but at least we won't have a mediocre sequel.

Love,

Mr. Dude 

Yeeeaaahhh I'm probably the only person who isn't excited for Catching Fire.

Hahaha I'm going to hell but it'll be worth it. If you don't hear from me, my sister probably has buried the corpse. She's into this stuff. 

Batman 

A thought- Why won't my mom let me wear leggings as pants? They're comfortable as fuck.